Category: professions

I loved dinosaurs as a child, and dreamed of being a paleontologist. Then the government cut student grants, and I had to become a rent boy. I still get bones from dirty old fossils, though.

Executioners – They’re the guys to hang with.

I’m a con artist. I like to paint pictures of people who get hustled.

I was having a prostate examination the other day and it got really awkward about halfway through, the Doctor I’d made my appointment with walked in…

“Doctor Doctor! I think I’m a deck of cards” “I knew that when you shuffled into my surgery”!

Saw a headline in the news last week “police hunt missing criminal.” How is that a headline? Isn’t that just their job description?

When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid. It made my blood boil.

Two policemen, Tom and Harry, are chasing an armed robber down the street. The robber jumps into a car and sets off. Tom pulls out his gun and fires off a few rounds, but the criminal gets away. Harry says, “Did you get the registration plate?” Tom replies, “Yeah, but I was aiming for his […]

I’ve just seen a plastic surgeon. He almost looked real.

A doctor tells his patient, “I bring two pieces of grave news, One is that you will be dead by tomorrow. The other is that I forgot to tell you yesterday”.

A policeman stopped me the other day and said, “I’d like you to blow into this bag sir.” I said, “What for officer?” He replied, “My chips are too hot.”

I’m sick of these cops keep telling me how to drive when they are the worst drivers out there. Just look at how many signs are on the roadside saying police accident.

I got arrested for playing chess in the middle of the road. I said to the officer, “It’s cos I’m black, isn’t it?”

If you were to take all of the students in the UK who fall asleep in their lectures and lay them end to end, they’d be a lot more comfortable.

I went to see a fortune teller in Birmingham. She said, “When you walk out the door, you will meet a tall, dark stranger…”