Category: professions

A hairdresser asked me out today. I’d never go out with a hairdresser though – they always talk about you behind your back.

I’m a Community Support Officer, and I’m a fake PC

Buying the winning lottery ticket……….. Statistically the only thing more rare than meeting a white doctor.

My boss told me that my report concerning the company’s quarterly profit margin was below par. As a golfer, do I consider that a good or a bad thing?

Got pulled over by a police woman today… didn’t know the kitchen had a speed limit.

My hot air balloon business has gone bust. Ive never felt so deflated.

“What do your sisters do?” “One’s an accountant, the other’s studying medicine in Canada.” “And what about your brother?” “He’s with Special Branch.” “Wow, I bet he gets paid well.” “No idea. They only picked him up yesterday.”

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on. “I’m about to close,” the surgeon says. The patient grabs his hand and says, “Oh, no you’re not! I’ll close my own incision.” The doctor hands him the needle and says, “Suture […]

Coming soon: The Police iPhone Confession App: Download full confession, fall downstairs, then click on Agree.

Couldn’t get any whitewash in London today. Apparently the Metropolitan police have stockpiled it.

Three ‘successful’ businessmen came in to talk in our school yesterday. In fact, they were so successful, they had nothing to do on a Monday morning.

Now, I dont see colour. People tell me Im white and I believe them because police officers call me sir.

I was first in a police line-up today. Someone had to get the conga started at the station’s Christmas party.

Got stopped on the way home from the pub last night, I was so drunk i could hardly focus. A police woman asked me “Do you even know who i am?”. I don’t think my reply “Drop your knickers and i will let you know!”, Went down very well.

I went to see a psychiatrist. When he asked me what the problem was, I said, “I have to qualify everything I say. Well, I say ‘everything’…”