Category: one liner

I’ve been beside myself with worry since being diagnosed with schizophrenia.

There are two things you ought to know about me: one is that I never say never, the other is that I often contradict myself.

I had a game Inspired by Ant and Dec’s Red or Black with the new pretty girl in my office today, it was called bed or sack.

My wife called me patronising. I said “do you even know what that means?”.

A large steak just drove past me. That’s rare.

How long do you have to be on failblog before life simply becomes “abortion fail?”

Conformity…. Everyone’s doing it!

I bought a box of those press-on towels in Boots today. What a con – I used six and didn’t even get my arms dry.

Broken arms: Painful, but humerus

I went to a Blunt People Anonymous meeting last night. It was fine.

Isn’t it ironic that fat people wear joggers?

Does this spell the final chapter for Borders?

What’s black and unmistakably round? .

I see, therefore i am…not blind

For such a pessimistic, cynical and extremist lot, I’m surprised at how many people on here are married.