Category: one liner

Paedophiles ruin it for innocent van drivers who really DID lose their dog.

I don’t mind being a child’s toy, its just when people twist the key in my back, it really winds me up

A mechanic friend of mine died recently, he had an open gasket funeral.

I’ve given up trying to convince people that I’m not a quitter.

I have just seen an ad watching football Abu Dhabi – Travellers welcome Well you can have them all, nice to know they’re accepted somewhere

My wife’s obsession with temporary tattoos is starting to rub off on me.

I’ve been gagging to get some peace and quiet from the wife.

Sunbeds. Proof that some women can change a light bulb.

Gullibility test kit – send 19.99 now!

A lorry carrying onions has overturned on the M62. Police are urging motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on

Now I’ve plucked and stuffed the bird, all that remains is to kill it.

When I grow up I want to be an old man.

My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a piece of wood. Any questions?

Watching TV always reminds me of why I don’t watch TV.

I like my women like I like my washing machines. Can take a huge load and wash my clothes.