Category: one liner

Guitar pioneer Les Paul has died aged 94. The police have no leads but state there is no need to fret and suspect he may have snapped his neck.

Knicker sniffing is just a taste of things to come…

I’ve got an old style driving licence, which really shows my age.

DIY is for tools.

So what’s it like hearing voices in your head, I hear you ask?

My girlfriend’s called Aoife, which has all but one vowel in it, so I send the same message to her while I’m at work: To Aoife. Missing u always

How do you tell people you aren’t in denial?

I’m so Indie I listen to music that doesn’t exist!

This dog is following me around like I’m made of meat. Wait a minute….

I’m the worst volunteer hands down.

Look, at the end of the day , i go to bed

What does Britanny Murphy and most of my jokes on here have in common? They’ll all get buried before christmas.

I have managed to hire a cheap Tool to remove my Asbestos garage. He’s Polish.

I realised I didn’t have many friends when I tried to text Dave and scrolled down my contacts list and accidentally texted Stuart.

I went to a kebab shop the other day and got a doner. Unfortunately my body rejected it