Category: one liner

When people ask me what my best qualities are, I always tell them my second best quality is being mysterious.

I’d never buy chicken from the co-op.

I got food poisoning from ‘dinosaur meat’ the other day. I ate it Roar.

Does the dead hooker in my shed count as a garden hoe?

I take my hat off to insecure bald men.

Growing up I didn’t want to follow my father into the rodeo business, but he roped me into it.

I was stunned when I found out that police can now carry taser guns.

Microwave (noun): a gesture used by midgets and dwarves to express greetings, recognition or when departing.

I was out walking the dog earlier. Although she prefers me to introduce her as “my wife”

Why is it called dry humping, if I always need a towel after?

Do you know what game really winds me up? Twister.

My eight-year-old daughter is like a fridge magnet; she’s attracted to my Smeg.

There’s no getting away from it, stalking’s here to stay.

I like to spend my free time at the park watching the children running around and shouting. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

My wife keeps doubling up the bin bags. Totally ruining my perfectly good one-liners.