Category: one liner

I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

My girlfriend left me because I never keep things to myself.

You know you’re bored when: It’s 5.30 am and your sat in your boxers watching Countdown with anagrammer,com open :/

My friend once told me that I am socially awkward. I didn’t know what to say.

If you really loved me you wouldn’t accuse me of emotional blackmail

Normally my dog eats my trainers but I didn’t know whales done it too!

Moneywise im set for LIFE. Provided I die next tuesday.

Your Girlfriend Hates the jobs you love

“The allegation of me being anti-Semitic is the biggest lie since the Holocaust.” -Mel Gibson

As a technophobe, I find Facebook too tricky for my liking.

What’s black and furry and looks like half a cat? The other half.

They lived like wild animals,they neither smoked nor drank.

‘Drunk, I’m home from the honey, I’m not pub.’

How would you buy one of those things that divides peoples’ food at the checkouts?

As a child, I was forced to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.