Category: money

I have always told my children not to marry for money; you can borrow it more cheaply.

I’ve started to question how poor I am recently. Whenever I see an aftershave bottle in a magazine, I rub it onto my shirt. And when women say “Oh you smell good, what is that?” I say “Page 5”

If I had a pound for every clich I’ve ever used, I’d be a millionaire by now.

A man complains to his wife saying, “We’re so poor we can’t even afford punchlines to our jokes!” And she says

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

I saved a lot of money on my car insurance… …By driving with no car insurance.

To the person who dropped a roll of notes at Liverpool Street… …Good news… I’ve handed your elastic band in to the Lost Property

If we are all gods children, why hasn’t the CSA chased him for maintenance?

I feel sorry for the old guy on the Wonga advert…. He only borrowed a fiver when he was a kid and is still working to pay it off.

I was so stressed at being behind in the mortgage repayments I ended up punching my three year old in the mouth. It should get me about 100 from the tooth fairy.

A man calls a radio DJ and says, “I’ve found a wallet with 10,000 inside. There’s also a card that says James Stevens, 12 Acre Close, Preston.’ ” “So?” says the DJ. “What do you want us to do?” “Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?”

A report says that a growing number of Britons are worth 1 million. The bad news is last year they were worth 5 million

Some people walk around in a Ferrari shirt to give the impression they have a Ferrari. I am that poor I have the Ferrari coat hanger, that way people think I have the shirt.

France are set to be the latest country to be troubled financially, due to the large payout the referee is set to receive.

My wife is always moaning about me never wearing any of my old clothes. So yesterday I decided to put on a pair of shorts that I hadn’t worn for a few years. It’s lucky I did really, I found a 1 note in the pocket.