Category: money

I’ve just played and beaten my best friend at monopoly, losing because he had a community chest card that bankrupt him. He never had a chance

I owed some Israelis about 200. But now I’ve paid my Jews.

I don’t understand the point of doing The Sun Dreamteam. You have to spend 50m on players for a chance to win 500,000. That’s a heavy loss, no thanks!

People used to rob petrol stations. Now petrol stations rob people.

When I was in Thailand, I saw a place where you could eat the brain of a freshly killed monkey for 200 Baht. I’ve never been so appalled in my life. Thats nearly four quid.

Checking your bank statements and realising the Council Tax direct debit doesn’t go out this month feels just like winning 100 on a scratch card.

I just saved myself a fortune in postage by filling my car up with petrol and delivering the letter myself.

Pound shops, Latin name: Primark

We’re so skint that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas. If things get any worse, I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

Everyone should pay their income tax with a smile. I tried, but they demanded cash.

After 3 years of saving up my mate is finally driving. I asked him why it took so long to save up since he got the licence, car and insurance in the first 6 months. “Petrol” he replied.

In the UK’s latest sport “rich list”, footballers and F1 stars have topped the list. Unfortunately, no women made it into the top 100. I’m not surprised. The women’s Premier League is an oxymoron, and I certainly wouldn’t trust a woman to drive to ASDA, never mind belt round Silverstone at 180 miles an hour.

A homeless man asked me if I had any change. I said, “I would give you some…but I’m in a hurry. Sorry!” “Oh my” he snarled, “Where are you going?” “The slot machines.”

After my wife said I was tightfisted, I’ve finally agreed to let my kids get their faces painted. It gives me the chance to get rid of those old tins of gloss in the shed.

If money is the root of all evil, how come I’m skint?