Category: money

I’m on the Wonga diet. I’ve lost 50 pounds already.

People refuse to believe I had a tough upbringing just because my family home was quite big. I realise that the house looks big, but the whole of the East Wing was servants’ quarters.

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber’s head, knocking him unconscious. “You probably saved my life,” says the grateful Arab. “I am a member of the Saudi Royal […]

You know you’ve made it big time when you have to get one of them money counting machines like off the movies. However, I’m getting a bit sick of running the same fiver through mine over and over again

Consolidate all your loans into one easily payable monthly installment. Declare yourself bankrupt.

Like millions of people in this country I have a really taxing job. Counting my benefits.

Just found out that the average cost of bringing up a child is 186,000. Now where did i put that spade. . .

If I had a pound for everytime a homeless person asked me If I had a pound… …I’d probably break even.

I’ve had a real run of luck recently that I just can’t explain. It started last week when I won the lottery. Ever since then I’ve had no end of girls wanting to sleep with me. And men. Weird eh?

I’m desperate to get my HGV licence before me and the lads go on holiday to Zimbabwe. We’re planning to rob a bank and I’m the getaway driver.

What music event has an entry fee of 45 cents? 50 Cent Featuring Nickelback.

I won the 500,000 prize on the Premium Bonds and called a reputable Swiss bank. “I would like to place half a million pounds with you,” I whispered to the cashier. “Feel free to speak up, sir,” he said. “In our bank, being poor is nothing to be ashamed of.”

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life. If I die next Tuesday.

Benefit claimants – keep yourself warm and save money during the cold winter months by doing stuff, and moving around a bit.

This woman walked up to me in the park, opened her long coat to reveal she was totally naked underneath, and said “feel free to look down”. I obliged, and I was certainly very pleased by what I saw. There was 20p on the ground in front of her.