Category: modern life

Just when I thought turning off my wife’s life support was the hardest thing ever, a new Angry Birds update comes out.

Lighten the mood if you are ever in a car crash by replacing your air-bags with confetti today.

My wife’s leaving me because apparently “I just don’t get it”. Take yesterday for example. She told me I would soon be hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet. I was so excited I went straight out and bought a new suit. Well, it’s not everyday Ronnie Corbett comes round for dinner is it?

Terry pratchet said thy writing is the most fun you can have with your hands on your own. And he clearly still lives with his mum.

The wife is away for the evening so it’s time for me to dig out my ‘special’ DVD collection. Die Hard and Crocodile Dundee.

The BBC are bringing out a new version of Dad’s Army which will include a local gypsy traveller family. Cant wait to see Captain Mainwaring say those immortal words “Dont tell him your name Pikey”.

My mate said, “We still haven’t decided on a name for the baby yet. These things shouldn’t be rushed.” I said, “I can certainly understand why you don’t want to rush this ‘Englebert’.”

The state of our roads is getting worse and dangerous. Saw this black man crossing the road who tripped and fell because of a pothole. Poor sod then got hit by a truck. Still, on the upside, pothole filled and tarmac like new.

There was never supposed to be a lowercase i in front of the Pod, but Apple couldn’t figure out how to stop autocorrect putting it there.

Thinking of starting up a new screamo band. Going to make it 100% screaming and shouting with no instruments. I think I’ll call us; Marriage

I never trust people who smoke… I’m worried they’ll lead me ashtray.

I was in the pub late last night, when I said to my mate “I can see it being very frosty in the morning.” “How can you tell that?” he asked. “Simple really” I replied. “I told my wife I would be home hours ago.”

Can we pretend that the first 3 words of this joke didn’t remind you of a overplayed song?

Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

Fool people into thinking you’re attractive and interesting by setting up your own Facebook page.