Category: misunderstanding

My friend an I were flying to Nairobi, “I’m quite worried about communicating out here” I said, “Yeah, I think we need to learn some of the language, how’s your Kenyan?” He replied, “I’ve no idea, he’s at home. In his box”.

“What’s the matter love,you look really fed up?”I asked the girlfriend earlier. “I feel like I’m living with a child.”She moaned.”When are you gonna man up and make an honest woman of me?” “Well maybe this’ll cheer you up.”I said,grinning,and handed her a ring. She immediately stood up,threw it back at me and ran out […]

All of that Eastside-Westside trouble in the USA could have been avoided if the Notorious B.I.G spoke a bit clearer. He only asked his crew to go out and get two packs of sugar.

A dictionary walks into a bar. He goes up to the barman and bursts into tears. “What’s wrong?” Asks the barman. “I’m crying my eyes out here and all you care about is using me for definitions!”

I went to the museum today, as I walked through the doors and headed straight for the main room, a voice said: “Excuse me sir, admission please.” “Fine” I said, “I wear women’s underwear and eat cat food.”

I was sat in this big old room yesterday and saw this lady talking on a phone and she was waving in my direction. So I smiled and waved back at her. She carried on talking on the phone and waved back. So I waved back again. This went on for about five minutes until […]

When we broke up my wife said she wanted to split everything straight down the middle. Yet she cried like a baby when I dropped half of the cat on her doorstep.

“Oh! He’s off!” shouted my mate. “What do you mean?” I asked. “Well that’s his second yellow! That means he’s got to be sent off!” he said. I shook my head, “This is the first time you’ve watched the Tour de France isn’t it?”

My psychiatrist is so understanding of my beliefs. When I told him I was possessed by the spirit of the largest star in the night sky, he asked “Are you Sirius?”

A friend told me to lose some weight ‘because society judges you if your bones don’t stick out’. … so I walked around town with an erection

Just got back from the North Pole. On closer inspection Mum’s note says my train set is in the attic.

Came home and said to my wife with a cheeky wink “Want to see something long and hard? It will keep you going for hours?” “Sure” came the reply with a lick of the lips. I handed her the guardian crossword and announced “Here, I’m off to the pub. Don’t wait up.”

I’m all for disabled athletes being treated equal, but I can’t help feeling that some get an advantage. I just heard that for the South African relay team tomorrow, Oscar Pistorious is going to being running a 3rd leg.

I went to an Italian restaurant and after looking at the menu I said to the waiter, “I’ll have the Spinotti Vermicelli.” “Sorry Sir,” he replied, “but that’s not a dish, that’s the name of our chef.”

So so happy, just got stopped down the road by two lovely looking young girls who told me they was having bets on how old I was..One said I was 29 and the other said 32…I was that chuffed that I put 50 quid in their charity box, though to tell the truth I have […]