Category: misunderstanding

My mate went up to this bird in the club last week. “Excuse me gorgeous, I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?” He said with a cheeky little wink The girls smiled at him, then giggled followed by her giving him her number. Using this same method I thought I would […]

I’d studied the form at Ascot and confidently walked up to the bookmaker with my money in my hand. “Forty pounds on Fame and Glory in the Gold Cup,” I said. “This is your first time at Ladies’ Day isn’t it?” he asked. “Er…yeah. Why?” “Because it’s usually just the women who wear a fancy […]

I was having a discussion with a man in the pub who had his child with him, things got a bit heated, and he said “Why don’t you just Foxtrot Oscar?” Which is strange as I cant dance, and my name isn’t Oscar.

I found a couple of old comics in my cellar the other day , so i put them up for sale on ebay. When the buyer came round to collect them you should have seen the look on his face when he looked it the box and saw the decomposed bodies of Morcambe and Wise.

I was reading the nutritional information on a pack of American oranges. It said “Fat = 0mg”. No wonder they’re all obese.

As my wife opened her Valentines gifts of, self raising and plain flour. She asked, “Must I always spell things out to you?”

BBC News: New hope to restore lost vision Open your eyes?

On a fishing trip to Australia, I was terrified when the biggest croc I’d ever seen came floating past the boat. Must have been a size 16 at least.

I was stopped by two women in the street, and asked if I would like to give my support to traumatised women that have been affected by flashers. I thought that was a strange request, but I stripped off anyway and gave them my jockstrap.

“A cup of tea is a lot more refreshing than a cool bottle of water on a hot summers day!” Promised one of my friends. “The third degree burns i’m now feeling on my scalp and down my back disagree with you mate” I replied.

“Man found dead in his cell” Great, let’s see if he can find Wally now.

Whilst I was having dinner with my new girlfriend last night she said, “There’s something I think I should tell you, I’ve got that thing that Steve Jobs had. I’ll understand if you want to break up with me before we get too serious.” “Are you kidding?” I replied. “I love girls who’ve got loads […]

I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, shark! Help!” I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.

Driving home today, I got stuck in traffic. I saw a sign saying “Think Bike”… Turns out this is not an invitation to try and drive your car up the middle of the two lanes.

I’ve spent all afternoon getting ready for a house party. I’m going as Hugh Laurie.