Category: misunderstanding

My fat wife said to me “ooh, I could just murder a chocolate right now”. “Good idea”, I replied, “how about that Jamal who’s just moved in next door?”

I had just come through the front door when my girlfriend came racing up to me and whispered in my ear, “You have something I want…..it’s 7 inches long, pink, and in your trousers.” I looked back at her in disgust, and said “Get your own Euromillions ticket you tight cow!”

My teacher asked, “Can anyone name a sport that begins with a ‘Q’?” I said, “Yes, the marathon.”

My nan has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She said the one thing she wants to do before she dies is go on a cruise. So I took her for one round town, with the windows down in my 1.3 Nova.

“Waiter! Why are there three flies swimming in my soup?” “Sorry, sir, I don’t know much about sport. Maybe it’s some kind of medley relay?”

Two policeman get surrounded by an angry mob in the street. One of the policeman grabs his radio and shouts, “We’re going to need back up.” A voice at the other end went, “Do wop, de-do-de-doody-doo … “

The term ‘paedophile’ sickens me.. I’m an amateur gynaecologist that specialises in paediatrics

My wife just asked me to change our baby, so I cut off his arms and sewed on a beak.

I was approached by a Rasta in town today who asked me if I believed in the almighty power of Jah. I told him what I always tell the wife. Push down firm and twist the lid hard.

My next door neighbour told me to stop following her around everywhere or she’d call the police. “You wouldn’t do that, would you?” I asked. “Watch me,” she replied. “No. You said you’d call the police.”

My wife said, “You can win free shoes for a year @shoezone.com.” I said, “That’s ok if you’re Heather Mills, I suppose.”

From Sky News: “Tiger handler mauled at celebrity dinner”. Someone needs to have a word with that guy before his career goes down the pan completely.

There’s a sign at the local pub that says ‘Watch Football Live Here’ So how come after a match I get kicked out when I bring down my blanket and mattress

My 18 month old son has discovered the joys of chocolate but can only call it ‘coc’. Got some funny looks in the newsagents today, when he was screaming out for some and I replied to his cries, ” Son, you’re going to have to wait. I’ll give you some coc when we get home.”

I was interviewed for a job at McDonald’s and the the woman asked me what position I was aiming for. “You can take your pick from the karma sutra if you hire me ,” I replied.