Category: misunderstanding

I was at a nightclub when I spotted a pretty blonde at the bar. I went up to her and said, “Hey darling, fancy going on the floor and having a dance?” She replied, “Oh you can, I’d rather stay on my feet if I’m honest.”

“Happy birthday son!” My wife and I cheered as we walked into his room. “And we’ve got you the present you asked for!” I said with a grin. “Thanks guys!” he yelled as he closed his eyes and held out his hands. I looked on bemused as my wife pushed past me and actually handed […]

I got a phone call last night to say that my wife had been in an accident. I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse, “How is she, can I see her?” She said, “I’m afraid you’re too late.” I said, “Okay, no worries; I’ll come back in the morning.”

Today just isn’t my day.. Just before, I was in our room doing some work on the computer, and i accidentally knocked my pen off the desk and, as clumsy as I am, I banged my nose on the drawer. It was bleeding A LOT, so I grabbed the nearest piece of cloth to stop […]

When I asked my Dad what he wanted for Father’s Day he pulled himself up in his hospital bed and whispered, “Son, I know it’s a big ask, but the one thing you could give me is a kidney.” “Not a problem,” I replied without hesitation. “You know I’d do anything for you”. “Bless you […]

Don’t you just hate it when you’re clothes shopping on the Internet and you see something you like only to find on closer inspection it’s for women. It was such a nice bikini.

My mate was very disappointed with his stag party, he asked for a night full of fit birds. Apparently the 2011 Doncaster pigeon race wasn’t what he had in mind…

Got offered a position by the job centre today but had to turn it down. I don’t have any hairdressing experience & they were looking for a temp to perm.

Before my big job interview,I asked my mate in H.R If he had any tips. “First impressions count,so make it a good one” he said. After the interview,he rang me to see how I went on. “It could have gone better,I dont think I will get it though” I sighed. “What makes you say that?” […]

I went camping for the first time today and my mate asked me to build a camp fire. So before lighting it, I painted all the firewood pink and arranged it to look like a limp wrist.

There is a re-make of a film coming out Christmas. It is about a fight between a Nun and a Virgin. It is called “Clash Of The Tightuns”.

I’ve been put on the waiting list for a new kidney. It’s a very exclusive butchers.

Just got back from my first weight watchers meeting. Everyone got on really well with each other. They laughed and joked and told stories about how they tried to lose weight. I felt a bit guilty sitting on the balcony with my binoculars and popcorn

An Irish lad goes to confession. The priest asks, “My boy, do you touch yourself at night?” “I do Father.” “And what do you think about when you touch yourself?” “I wish my nose would stop itching.”

I was at the hospital today when the doctor said, “Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable.” “I thought she was in a coma and in critical condition,” I said bemused. “She is,” he replied, “but she’s so fat, me and the other doctors use her like a beanbag.”