Category: misunderstanding

My wife just got back from shopping at Sainsburys. “Did you know that they’ve already started getting the Christmas stuff in?” she said “I’ll tell you, it gets earlier and earlier every year.” “Really?” I replied, “I think you’ll find that it’s still on the 25th of December”. Daft cow.

I’m on an adult dating website lots of women inbox me after they read my username, ‘One foot and proud.’ They’re all quite shocked when we meet up and see I’ve got one leg.

My girlfriend says her mother is feeling lonely so she has invited her round for a roast. I thought you needed two guys for that but I’ll give it a go.

“You dirty disgusting pig!” she shrieked on the phone, “all over my clothes and my girls weekend ruined.” “What’s the matter babes?” I said. “You did say I could do it.” “And how could you misunderstand, ‘If you miss me, then why not try and come in my case?’”

Just read this story on FML: “Today, while I was out, I saw a guy taping a sign that read “Hide & seek world champs!” over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As i was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd […]

My wife left me because I made the house into a giant gift. She said I’m not living in the present.

It was my sons fourth birthday and we couldn’t think what to give him. My wife said, “Why don’t we give him Up.” I thought that’s a great idea. I had just finished packing his bags and put him in the car when my wife arrived back home with a Disney pixar dvd.

I went to the casino last night and managed to pull a stunner. As we left together I pulled my keys out of my pocket, threw them towards the valet and shouted “Mine’s the 2 seater Mercedes Benz round the back”, with this she looked smitten at me, I could tell she was excited that […]

BBC News: “Prison vote warning for May polls.” I really don’t think a harmless bit of morris dancing will do these hard-nut serial killers any harm.

I keep seeing Facebook statuses like ‘8 – 2? Are you serious?’ The answer’s 6, it’s not that difficult

“I’m just going to lay the dining room table,” I said to my wife. “OK,” she said, “I’ll go and straddle the tumble drier for 10 minutes.”

I asked my girlfriend last night what she wanted for Valentine’s Day. “Something shiny and fast that goes from 0-60 in five seconds would be nice,” she replied. So I’ve bought her a car roof.

I just had my first gym session with a personal trainer, he set my plan for me to squat and then curl…. I failed to understand gym speak and got told to “pick up my mess and leave!”

Bob goes to the dog’s home and asks the guy in charge: “That big Alsatian there looks friendly, but does he like small children?” “He loves ’em,” says the guy, “but it’d be a lot cheaper to buy him proper dog food.”

Me and my girlfriend were talking and it got really intimate, so I told her I could make her scream with one finger. She said ‘go ahead’ so I poked her in the eye.