Category: misunderstanding

The Boss has just told he want’s to speak to me about my performance lately. The missus swore she wouldn’t tell anybody.

What’s the worst thing about getting drunk and fingering your best mates little sister? Being so drunk that you forget he’s only got a brother.

I was sitting in the park with my girlfriend watching the sun go down, when my mate came walking over with a cheeky smile on his face. “You two lovebirds.” he laughed. I said, “Indeed, our favourite is the Greenfinch.”

my new year’s resolution is to tell more lies to people, Or is it.

I took a bird and her three year old son out for the day. Her son kept moaning. She said, “Brandon doesn’t usually behave like this, it’s because his head’s cold, do you mind nipping to the car and getting something to wrap round it?” She looked mortified when I came back with a baseball […]

My pregnant wife just phoned from the hospital to say she’d lost the baby. I told her to check down the back of the settee.

There was a kid on the bus today listening to his ipod whilst playing with his iphone. The man next to me moaned. ” Ohhh, I must be getting old.” I said “What with all the new technology?” He replied. “No, it’s my 86th birthday tomorrow.”

I got angry, threw my Nokia phone at a wall and watched as it smashed into a million pieces. The phone’s fine though.

I was out having a nice Italian meal last night with my long term girlfriend, when all of a sudden, I got out of my chair,and slowly got down on one knee. “Oh my god” my girlfriend shrieked, “Let me just get my phone out so I can video this and show my mum and […]

Excitedly, I asked my dad if he could play T-rex for me. Smiling, he went to the cd player and started playing this 70’s groove called ‘Get it on’ as he bopped up and down singing the words and gliding across the floor, as if he was some sort of rock god. I don’t think […]

I went to the cafe this morning but didn’t like look of the set menu. “Can I make my own?” I asked “Yeah of course love!” She replied So I barged her out the way and got cooking.

Saw a billboard poster that read, “Spot of blood on your brush? … Could be gum disease.” How do they know it wasn’t a curling match that turned nasty?

My wife had hiccups this morning. “Sometimes a shock works” she moaned. “Ok” I said. “Are you ready? 1… 2… 3…” And I told her I was moving in with my secretary.

My mate said, “It’s me and the wife’s tenth anniversary next weekend. I thought we could go somewhere really nice together.” “Sounds good to me, mate. What are you going to tell your wife though?”

I saw a teenager injecting himself with something suspicious the other day. As I was a certified police officer – I went up to the boy, took the syringe away from him and threw him against the bonnet of my car. “We have a name for people like you,” I jeered. “What is it, diabetic?” […]