Category: misunderstanding

When it comes to feeding babies, my mum always said “breast is best.” Rubbish. I’ve sat here for half an hour and mine won’t touch his Chicken.

Adopt a snow leopard for 3 per month? What a scam! Building a cage, habitat and feeding it is going cost far more than that. How irresponsible are the WWF? They should stick to the Wrestling arm of their business.

I must be a realy good photographer, All of my friends ask me to take the group photos.

This hot looking girl came up to me in the pub and whispered in my ear, “I want your babies.” I immediately phoned the police and got her arrested for intent to kidnap.

We were out having a romantic dinner when my girlfriend said “I’ve been living with you for three years now, isn’t there a question you want to ask me?” “Yeah, when are you moving out?” I asked.

My maths teacher used to love me when i was younger, she always used to put lots of kisses at the end of my sums.

All this AIDS awareness stuff has really worried my nan. Ever since she heard about the dangers of using dirty needles she’s been too scared to go near her knitting.

It’s amazing what some people keep from each other, my girlfriend rang last night and said: “I can’t talk for long babe, I’ve not got many minutes left.” I didn’t even know she was ill.

My mates just told me the time of the 100m final tonight is going to be 9.50. So I’ve rung the Police and reported him for suspicious betting.

My 5 year old daughter got out of the bath last night, she then came downstairs with her underwear in her hands and said “Daddy, can you put my knickers on?” I replied “No, they normally get stuck just above my knee.”

The text from my daughter read “OMG Dad, you have no idea how wet I am!” My response was “Now you’ve said that I bet you’ve no idea how hard I am ;)” She replied “It’s raining… “

“Just before my wife died, I bought the lovely new Porsche she told me to buy.” “Was that her last wish?” “Yes, it was. When I mentioned it, I clearly remember her saying it was the last thing she wanted.”

When I was in the supermarket yesterday I saw a sign saying, “If every Sainsbury’s customer recycled their cereal box, 750 tonnes of cardboard would be re-used every year. That’s the equivalent to 101 double decker buses.” It made me realise that I need to make some significant changes to my lifestyle. Starting by not […]

“Oh my god!” screamed my wife, “He’s taking our son away in his ‘ice cream’ van!” “We must stop him! I cried, “Timmy can’t have ice cream before his dinner!”

The Physio asked me to show her what I meant when I said I was having problems stretching. It was about 30 seconds later when I saw the look of horror on her face that I realised physio’s don’t do tight foreskins.