Category: misunderstanding

My mate’s sister asked me if I think it’s ok to have a baby after 35. I said, “Not really. I think 35 of them is more than enough.”

“I love Eminem!” “I like Skittles better” “No, the rapper you idiot” “You’re the idiot, what’s so good about a M&M wrapper?

After enjoying a delicious meal with the family, the waiter brought over the bill. “How did you find the beef, sir?” he asked. “Well, it was well hidden under the potatoes but I got to it eventually,” I said.

Scientists have discovered sausages can cause cancer! If you’re daft enough to smoke 20 sausages a day then it’s your fault.

I was going the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman stopped me. He said, “Oi! Can’t you read the signs?” “Not really officer. Having only just met you, I had no idea you fancied me.”

For ages I’ve been donating to Help For Heroes in honour of my nephew. Turns out he works for PC World and his job is soldering.

I asked the guy in Blockbuster’s if they had that film with Liam Neeson trying to rescue his kidnapped daughter. “It’s Taken mate,” he said. “Oh.. That’s a shame… Will it be back in tomorrow?”

The wife was cooking a fancy meal the other day when she said: “Can you reduce this sauce down to about 1/2 the amount please?” “Of course” I said. tipping about 50% of it down the drain.

I was in a pub in Aberdeen sitting beside a very quiet bloke. “Nice bar, eh?” I said, just being friendly. “Aye …” comes the reply. “Great selection of single malts up there, eh?” “Aye …” “And they have a great taste in music. Very cool stuff. Like it?” “Aye …” “Friendly bar staff, too. […]

”What’s in the bag?” A policeman asks as I was coming out of Asda. I said “Peppa, pig”. He said “That’s a good dvd, I got it for my kids”. I said “The dvd’s Postman Pat”.

My girlfriend was flicking through a magazine last night and spotted a really expensive engagement ring. “That’s what I want.” she said. So I cut it out and handed it to her.

No wonder formula 1 drivers have so many points at the end of the season.. Have you seen how fast they drive.

I said to my girlfriend, “What music shall we have for our first dance at the wedding?” She said, “I’ve always dreamed of having ‘Your song’.” I replied, “Oh how considerate of you, The Scatman it is then.

I said to my wife, “I wish there was a little more magic in our marriage.” “What, you mean be a little bit more adventurous.” she replied. “No, I’d like to see you do a vanishing act.”

My wife left me because of my non stop complaining and getting things mixed up in my head. Good i was sick of her always moaning