Category: misunderstanding

I took a bird and her baby for a picnic on a cliff. I was trying to slip my hand in her knickers when she stopped me and said, “No, not until the baby drops off.” So I kicked him over the edge. The look on her face suggested that’s not what she meant.

“Sorry I’m late,” said my girlfriend entering the restaurant. “It’s okay,” I said with a smile. “Thank god,” she replied in relief, “I thought you’d be furious when I told you I’m pregnant.”

Two hunters are out in the woods, when suddenly they see a beautiful naked woman bathing in a lake. “What are you doing here?” she asked. “We are looking for wild game.” the hunters answered. “Well I’m wild and I’m game!” she replied with a wink. So the hunters shot her.

I saw an old lady struggling to get on the coach. “Excuse me,” she said, “Could you help me with my case.” “Sorry love,” I replied, “But I can recommend a good lawyer.”

My wife was very excited when I said I was taking her to see the Northern Lights. She seemed less enthusiastic as we drove past the Blackpool Illuminations.

I just gave my girlfriend a bluebell she suggested a looser condom

“Dog helps lightning strike mayor” He should be put down for that.

What’s the difference between a goth and an emo? A goth wears make up and black clothes, the other used to be found on the end of Rod Hull’s arm.

Saw an advert the other day that said ‘Pole Cats For Sale’. First it was our jobs now it’s our pets. Where will this all end..?

BBC NEWS- Travellers face chaos as airports close Good!!! But why it’s just pikeys who are affected I don’t know

So it’s fine for some moron to bellow nonsensically from the roof of a mosque at 6 in the morning … … but a couple of barely audible cries and moans from my attic and the police are called.

“Daddy, daddy! What are those wet rings under your armpits?” asked my daughter. “Well, er…..they’re sweat patches darling” I replied. “I had no idea you were trying to quit”

I’ve just been watching ‘Speed Auction TV’… Not once was any speed auctioned.

I was out with my date when she asked why my last relationship didn’t work out. “She was really obsessive; she broke up with me because I like sausages and she doesn’t,” I told her. “But that’s ridiculous!” she said incredulously, “I like sausages!” “Really? You should come back to my place – I’ve got […]

I was talking to a girl in the pub and she told me she a swallower. “Wow..,” I said, “Fancy giving me a demo?” She nodded and we went out to her car. Then she handed me the bag of swords.