Category: misunderstanding

I text my girlfriend “can’t wait to get into your knickers later x” “Be my guest big boy :-)” she replied. Brilliant.. I think I’ll go for the thong, it’s soooo comfortable..

The only reason James Corden got sent to stage school was because the doctors said to his parents. ” By the time your son is 20, he could be huge.”

I just went to my very first African supermarket. How stupid am I? For years, I only thought you could only get monkey bars at a kids playground.

The wife just rang me from the hospital in tears and told me that she’s lost her dad, I said, “Calm down babe, he’s on Ward 3A.”

When walking on a pavement during winter I always throw chocolates and flowers around my feet… I heard you can slip on untreated surfaces.

I asked a group of Psychics round my house after I suspected one of the bedrooms was haunted. I took them to the room in question. As we entered one of them looked intrigued and said: “I’ve gone very cold all of a sudden” “Sorry about that” I replied, switching off the air conditioning.

My mum used to say, “Don’t go near the railway line you might get sucked off.” I went down there everyday for eight years and not so much as a hand job.

My girlfriend just texted me saying she wants me to get her wet when she get’s home. Got 25 water balloons ready… can’t wait!

I have a degree in cooking Another 200+ and I’ll be able to bake something.

I was in a lap dancing club at the weekend and was enjoying myself until this 15 stone fat chick came dancing on the table in front of me. “Strong legs that, hey?” I said to the bloke next to me. “Huh, she’s fat,” he replied. “No mate, I meant the table,” I said.

I think its hilarious when your putting someone under, for surgeory and just before they fall asleep, say “Oh great and powerfull dark Lord, accept this sacrifice!”… Although my senior staff did not agree, so I’m no longer a cleaner in the Hospital.

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. “You up for some role play action, babe?” she asked with a wink. “Not really,” I replied. “Oh, come on,” she said. “We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want.” Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her […]

I was walking through the airport when a female customs officer directed me into a side room for a search. She began searching me and eventually reached my crotch… “Careful” I said, “I don’t want you to find my 12 inch concealed weapon” She giggled seductively and carried on the procedure “I told you to […]

The wife rang me earlier and said: “You’ll never guess who I saw today.” “There’s not much incentive to try then” I said as I put the phone down.

My 4 yr. old is chasing the cat around & saying “Let me lick you”…I’m afraid he may have heard something last night he wasn’t supposed to?