Category: misunderstanding

I was told that on my CV I need to be able to sell myself. So I now used to be a gigalo.

Marrage: A misunderstanding between two people.

My wife’s been struggling a bit since she gave birth. Yesterday she asked me if I would take the baby to see the wet nurse whilst she had a rest. Disappointed is not the word. She was nothing at all like the wet nurses that feature in my DVD collection.

I was talking to a fat bird down the pub last night. She said, “Would you call me a taxi?” I said, “No, you’re more like a 12 seater mini bus.”

The judge kept interrupting me when I was speaking in court. I stood up and shouted, “Can I finish my sentence?” Not the best thing to say when you’re applying for parole.

After months of putting up with my daughter’s begging I’ve finally agreed that she can have a barbie for Christmas. I prefer a traditional turkey roast myself, but it will be worth it to see the smile on her little face when I put those flame grilled sausages on her plate.

I think my wife is going insane. She said “Honey, can you unload the dish washer please?” Next thing you know, she’ll be asking the marmalade to take out the bins.

I said to my wife last night, “I fancy a takeaway.” She said, “Are you talking Chinese?” I said, “No, did it sound Chinese?”

I’ve been practicing my hammer throwing ready for the Olympics. Now I’m banned from B&Q.

I was walking down the high street today when a Jehovah’s witness asked me if I’d thought of converting. “Yes mate,” I replied, “I think turning my attic into a fourth bedroom could raise the value of my house substantially.”

It has been posted within the forum that is wrong to comment on other members. With my 3″, I wouldn’t dream of it.

Paddy goes into a chemist’s shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. “Could you taste this, please?” The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. “Does […]

If AIDS has no symptoms, then surely it’s harmless?

I got lost in Bradford the other day. I spent 12 hours pretending I was Albino.

The vet said to me “We found out what was wrong with your pig, It seems that he had holes carved in his back which were then filled with money. Luckily we can save him using surgery for roughly one thousand pounds.” I replied smiling “I knew it was a good idea”