Category: misunderstanding

I’m moving house this morning so I’ve just nipped to Tesco… I’m glad I did ’cause the cashier politely asked if I’d like help with my packing.

I hate playing hide and seek with little children. You’ve always got to pretend you can’t see them. But my niece found a great place. I’ll give her a few more minutes at the bottom of the swimming pool before I go and act all surprised.

My wife was flicking through holiday brochures and asked “What would you say to a short cruise?” “I’d probably say ‘can I have your autograph please Tom?’” I replied.

I walked into a cobblers and asked “Do you repair shoes?” “Yes.” said the cobbler. “Good,” I replied, handing him a shoe, “Can you find the other one for this please?”

My mate asked me if I fancied doing a bit of early morning poaching. I got round to his this morning with all my fishing gear, and he’s just sat there in his kitchen with a pan of boiling water and half a dozen eggs.

I just flicked onto page three and it made me think about how they used to get them out and play with them, instead of just standing there looking bored. “Tractors Weekly” will never be the same.

I saw Mick Philpott today. “How could you do that?” I shouted. “I didn’t start the fire!” he retorted. “I was talking about your wife.”

I burst into the lounge last night and said to the wife, “Guess what babe? I’ve got us two tickets to the Canaries’!” “Oh my God!” she shrieked. “How long for? One week? Two weeks?” “No, 90 minutes.” I said. “Unless it goes to extra time.”

My wife told me that she would like me to last longer in bed. So I quit my job.

I arrived late to work in the kitchens earlier. I hung up my coat and put the herbs I’d bought on the table. ‘What time do you call this?’ the head chef asked, looking from me to the herbs. ‘Well I’ve got common, lemon and golden.’

I answered a knock on my door, and saw a little kid dressed as a zombie, torn clothes, bleeding wounds etc. “That’s a fantastic costume,” I said, offering him some sweets. It was at that point that he started to cry and pointed at the car crash, “I think my mum might be dead.”

Sky Sports News: Katie Price has admitted she has been training all of her life for the Ride her Cup, and was shocked when she found out it was a golf tournament.

There was a man giving away free money in the subway this morning. He was even playing the guitar for us all too. What a great bloke.

My mate said he wanted plenty of action on his birthday. He should like this Die Hard box set I got him then.

I was about to go and meet my mates in the pub when my girlfriend appeared, naked, and said, “Are you sure you want to go out? I’ll let you ride me like a cowboy if you want…” I smiled and said, “That sounds good to me. I’m gonna go to town on you…” She […]