Category: misunderstanding

I just heard on the news that the evil dictator is finally dead. I don’t know what they’re going on about. I just saw Margaret Thatcher five minutes ago and she seemed absolutely fine.

I was on my half hour dinner break yesterday when this fit blonde piece came up to me she said,”excuse me have you got the time?” I replied,”Sure, I’ve got about ten minutes.”

I knocked on my brothers door seeking the couch to sleep on. He said, ” How’s this come about?” I said, ” She told me she’s seeing a therapist.” He said, ” So why you here?” ” I told her I’m seeing a bar maid.”

“Germany to celebrate victory in Poland in 2012?” Probably a little inappropriate and besides, if they’ve waited this long, why not wait a couple of years for the 75th anniversary?

A Muslim trainspotter was arrested in Boots yesterday. He took his snaps of the London Underground to the photo counter and said, “Can you blow these up please?”

My dad’s a retired rock star. The other day I asked him what he spent his time doing on tour. “Groupies” he laughed. “Cool” I said. “What other vegetables did you grow?”

“That Door’s alarmed!” I muttered to an old lady on crutches when she finally got close enough to hear me. She turned around slowly and started hobbling back the way she came. I shrugged and un-paused the clip of Jim Morrison looking startled.

I was thrown out of Chess Club yesterday. The girl I was playing said, “Are you going to make a move?” So I slid my hand up her skirt.

I took my mum for a day out at a spa where she saw incense sticks for the first time. There was quite a scene the next day when she went to the shops looking to buy ‘spa sticks that she can burn at home’.

Doctor told me I might die if I don’t stop drinking. I’ve been off it now for 3 days and I’m really having second thoughts. I think I might be dehydrated.

I was on the plane to Spain with my mate, then he showed me his brand new iPhone. I said, “That must have cost a bomb.” I really regret saying that now.

I really miss my nan. She was such a wonderful lady. Every day, I walk by her house and reminisce in the fond memories of my childhood. Maybe I should pop in for tea one day and see how she’s doing.

Paddy is sitting at the bar looking depressed when his mate Liam comes in. “What’s up then, Paddy?” “Just failed my driving test,” says Paddy. “I got to this roundabout with a roadsign that said 30, y’know? So I drove round it 30 times.” “So how come you failed?” says Liam. “Did you miscount?”

My actor mate has posted on Facebook that he plans to top himself. Well, I saw his performance of Hamlet which was truly outstanding. So I doubt if he can.

A Jehovah’s Witness knocked at my grandma’s door last night. “Could I speak with a Dorris Smith?” He asked. “I’m sorry mate, she’s long gone, and I’ve been left in charge of the place,” I said. “Oh my!” He replied in a shocked tone, “I do apologise, may the lord be with her and keep […]