Category: misunderstanding

I’ve got this new job working on a farm, and earlier I was standing with a cow looming over me. The farmer then shouted, “Well hurry up and milk it then!” So I fell to the ground clutching my face.

My girlfriend asked me why I don’t like spending too much time with foreplay. I asked her to strongly reconsider renaming our son.

I was staying on a camp site when my wife told me to take all the clothes off the washing line. After a few struggles and some slight resistance, I managed to strip everybody in the shower queue naked.

Last night I said to the wife,”How would you like going away love.” She went,”Oh I would love to! I went,”Good,I’m trying to watch the football.”

The wife was going out with her friends, so told me to ‘take care of the kids’. How was I to know she meant look after them?

My eight year old son came home today he said, “Dad did you do hamlet at school?” I said, “No son, cigars were to expensive, we smoked Lambert and Butler.”

I walked up to a girl at the bar and said “Hey babe, my mouth is like a magicians hat” “Full of surprises?” she giggled. “No, hang around for the night you’ll see me pull a hare out of it.”

My girlfriend lit a scented candle. “Do you know what this one is?” She asked. “Same as the last one.” I sighed. “A piece of string encased in wax”.

“I have something to tell you,” I said to my wife. “Sit in that chair.” “I’d rather stand,” she replied. “I’m trying to be serious!” I yelled “Why do you want to stand on the chair?”

I was in a really loud nightclub last night when a gorgeous girl came up to me and shouted what sounded like, “Do you fancy Afuq?” I leant over and, with my mouth to her ear said, “I doubt it, with a name like that I’m guessing that she’s a filthy Arab”.

My wife has been complaining for months now that I never spend time with her. She asked me to take her out and show her a good time. So I did. Her name was Jasmine.

American Express taking care of mistresses since 1978. Isn’t that the kind of servicing you want from a credit card?

Amy Winehouse apparently died after ‘battling demons for years’. Awesome way to go, if you ask me.

A family friend of ours said to me the other day, “You’re a very smart and sensitive young man. You have your father’s brain and your mother’s heart.” I’m not sure how he found out but I’m guessing it was the smell coming from my room.

I was in the park this morning when i came across this bloke, Head in hands sobbing his heart out, I said,”You OK mate”. He replied,”I lost my Wife this morning”. I said, “Well never mind mate, I’ll help you look for her, I’ve lost my dog.