Category: misunderstanding

My flatmate said “I’ve got a date tonight, make yourself scarce.” I tried my best. I painted myself black and got a job.

My wife has left me. We had a huge row about how I didn’t support her and her attempts to quit drugs. I probably shouldn’t of ended it with ”Take a chill pill!”

I said to the wife, “my mate covers so much ground on the football pitch.” “Full of energy is he?” she asked. “Nah” I said, “he’s 19 stone.”

Last night I pulled a fat chick…. ….out of my way, so I could chat-up her fit sister.

I bought a George Foreman fat grilling machine today, it didn’t burn any fat off at all I’m now in A+E with third degree burns to my stomach.

I was on a dinner date and after finishing our desserts the waiter walked past so I asked for the bill. She said, ” Go Dutch.” I said, ” Ok… Mag ik dan de rekening alstublieft?”

“How do you take your coffee?” Asked my mates mum. “I usually drink it” I replied, “But if you’ve got something more kinky in mind I’m all ears.”

Abu Hamza has said he wants Muslims to “follow Osama Bin Laden” I agree, they should be dead

I was nervous about my first fancy dress party. “Just be yourself”, said my mate. “Do you think I’ll be allowed?” I replied.

I saw the song “Dirty Talk (Clean Version)” on Spotify So normal talking then?

After watching ‘One born every minute’ it reminded me of the horrifying experience when my wife gave birth to our first child, The midwife was a dwarf…

I met a girl in a club and we went back to my place. As we climbed into my bed she looked seductively at me and whispered: “I’m up for anything” “That’s great. I’ve got a parcel coming tomorrow morning and I need someone to answer the door, Night love”

What do you call someone with no clue what irony is? An american….. Now go on, re-post that fatty!!

The cashier at the grocery store asked me if I would like to buy a reusable bag that’s environmentally friendly. I had to decline. My wife was already at home taking care of the garden.

I went to the bathroom at Mcdonalds and the sign said “employees must wash hands” I waited for an hour but no-one came, so I washed my own.