Category: misunderstanding

My mate asked me what my ringtone is. I said ” I’ve never seen it, but I’m guessing its a light brown.”

My wife winked and said, “If you’re in the mood, you can if you want.” I said, “Cheers love, I’ll be back at closing time.”

I was in town with my wife today, she said, “I fancy a Big Mac.” I said, “You’ll need an XL one, I don’t think a big coat will fit you, chubby.”

The first time I saw the film cast away I spent the next three weeks screaming “WILSON” at every ball I saw and that’s why I’m no longer allowed in the men’s locker room at the gym

I just borrowed two grand from one of those ‘payday loan’ companies at 2700 percent APR. I’ll have the last laugh though; I don’t have a job.

With the FIA constantly looking for ways to slow down modern Formula 1 cars, why haven’t they tried wrapping hair and fluff around the rear wheel axles? It certainly works on my Scalextric.

My teacher thinks my grammar is poor. She could be right. The poor old dear can’t afford to have the heating on.

After a crazy argument with my wife I went down to the pub and said to the barman, “Bitter.” “Anything else?” He asked. “Yeah, twisted.”

Caught the wife out last night,she wasn’t faking it ,she really was asleep

I’ve just found out there’s 40% off kids at EuroDisney at the moment. I wonder if you get to chose the 60% you keep.

When my old nan told me she had terminal cancer, I asked her what she would most like to do before she dies. She said, “Ooh, I would love to go on the trip of a lifetime.” So as a surprise I’ve just put three in her tea.

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let […]

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be more open-minded… So I shot her in the head.

It’s so nice to see an act of generosity. Like this afternoon on my way back from work I came across a tramp holding out his hat and he asked me ‘Spare change?’ ‘Yes please!’ I said as I helped myself to a quid.

I saw Cheryl Cole today and told her I was going to destroy her. See just laughed at me. She won’t be when the Sun newspaper print my photo-shopped picture of her laughing at a black down syndrome kid with cancer.