Category: misunderstanding

I went into a DIY shop. I said: “I’d like a mousetrap. Please be quick, I have a train to catch.” “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any that big,” he replied.

I turned up at the beach painted blue with red pants and a white hat. I wish I had read that text message more carefully. My mates turned up in swimming trunks ready to go surfing.

I was doing a crossword and I said to my wife, “9 letters. The clue is ‘To do or say again’. She said, “Reiterate.” I said, “9 letters. The clue is ‘To do or say again’.

My wife said she wanted to burn some caleries…apparently setting her on fire was a bad idea.

I just found out today is International Womens’ Day. Awesome. Send ’em round, I’ll do the Oriental ones first.

Since my wife left two years ago we haven’t slept together again , but my daughter and I are still good friends.

I got half way through my barista course, using all the charm and arrogance required. Then I discovered that this wouldn’t get me recognised before any law court in the land.

Just opened my fortune cookie from lunch: “Others appreciate your good sense of humour today.” Chin Li didn’t look so happy when I did a runner without paying

“Nurse come quick” I screamed, “We need help over here now!” “What’s the matter?” She shouted as she ran down the corridor towards us, “The vending machine” I replied, “It has taken our pound coin.”

Woman: Oh my god, I love your hair! Me: Thanks, I grew it myself. Then I calmly pulled up my trousers and went about my day.

Me and some of my mates were discussing the complexities of American TV series when my wife chipped in and said, “I don’t get Lost!” She’s become so arrogant since she bought that Sat Nav.

“Waiter, the food was delicious. Could you compliment the chef for me please?” “Harold, your hat makes you look thin.”

My wife phoned me and said; “I’m never gonna dance again…” “Guilty feet have got no rhythm?” I asked. “No” she replied, “I’ve been hit by a van.”

On the first day of school my Dad gave me some lunch money. It tasted awful.

“Where’s the morning paper?” “I wrapped some rubbish in it and chucked it in the bin.” “Hey, I wanted to have a look at it!” “There wasn’t much to see. Just potato peelings and and some burnt toast.”