Category: misunderstanding

The missus’ birthday is coming up, and she asked me what I was getting her. “Let’s just say you’ll be buying a t-shirt with “I

The wife knew I had today off and texted, ‘Darling, can you do us a favour and bring some washing in for me?’ Boy is she going to be pleased.. I’ve been round all the neighbours and she must have 30 bags full to do.

My new boss has told me I need to take a drugs test in the morning. I’m hoping it’ll be heroin, it’s meant to be wicked.

I was in the pub celebrating winning 100 million on the lottery when my ex-wife walked in and demanded half. I said, “Sure, it’s the least I can do” She said, “What, are you serious? Thank you, thank you so much” I said, “Alright love, calm down. Fosters or Carling?”

I got stopped by customs at the airport earlier. I was asked, “Sir, do you have anything to declare?” “Yeah,” I said. “The Jews are evil.”

My wife text me at lunchtime and asked what I was up to. I said ”Just been shopping and now getting a Mcdonalds” She replied ”Ooh, Is that for Christmas?” ”Don’t be daft” I said ”It would be cold by then”

The car park I was in today had a sign which said “You will be charged after 2 hours”. “How kind,” I thought as I parked my electric car.

It was pouring down with rain the other night when the wife said: “I’ve run out of tampons, pop down the shop and get me some more will you?” “Have you looked outside?” I asked. “Why would I?” she said, “if I’ve got any I keep them in the bathroom.”

I saw a sign at a local restuarant the other day. *Enjoy Authentic Ethiopian Cuisine for just 20!* I thought that was a little bit steep for a grain of rice, but there you go.

My girlfriend rang me; “Is everything okay, babe? You seem a bit off.” “You’re too fat” I said, “I want you to lose a few stone.” “Well if that’s the way you feel, I won’t be round anymore.” Good girl, I knew she’d give it a go.

BBC News: ‘Walker dies following fell fall’. Terrible grammar for a journalist.

I was in the pub and asked my mate if he remembered the theme to ‘Jaws’. “Yeah.” He said, “It’s mostly about a big shark that eats people.”

BBC News: ‘Gaddafi’s forces given ultimatum’. What kind of irresponsible nutter would supply that lot with radioactive material?

I stood my girlfriend up so I could go to the fairground with my mates. When she found out, she stormed up to me in the rollercoaster queue and screamed. “It’s me or the rollercoaster?” I relpied. “Calm down, can I have one last ride?” “Ok” She snapped. So, like she agreed, I took her […]

A blonde takes a fancy to a handsome guy at a party. He introduces himself: “My name is Stephen King. Sometimes I use a pseudonym.” “No need,” says the blonde, winking, “I’m on the pill.”