Category: misunderstanding

I was driving home from work one day, when i noticed for the first time ever that my cigarette box had messages on them. Mine read “Smoking harms you and others around you”. Whilest reading this i totally forgot that i was driving, and before i knew it the car was spinning through the air […]

Bob finishes off his lunch in the restaurant and goes to get his coat, but is unable to find it. “Waiter?” he says. “Did you by any chance see someone stealing my coat?” “Yes,” says the waiter, “I did.” “Well?” says Bob. “Out with it! What did he look like?” The waiter shrugs his shoulders […]

The Guardian is now confirming that Gaddafi was “killed in cold blood”. I’d rather die in warm custard.

My house got robbed whilst I was out yesterday. I believe a fat African dwarf was responsible… The neighbours said they saw a Black 4×4 leaving the scene.

My girlfiend just text me “I’ll be having words with you later.” Brilliant! I love Alphabetti spaghetti.

As my wife started shaking nervously, and the tears rolled down her cheeks during her mums burial, the priest turned to me and said, “is this her first funeral?” “Yes,” I replied, “I’m pretty certain this is the first time she died.”

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss. “Just pop it in the corner,” he said. It took me three hours.

I turned to my mate and said, “You know, there should be a World Bacon Day.” “That’s brilliant!” He said, “It’d be like having two Christmases in one year!” “I know, something else those filthy Jews can’t celebrate.”

I was watching Horse racing with my son when he asked, “Dad, how longs a length?” I said, ” I don’t know about yours, son, but mines about 8 inches.”

My son asked me today, “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “Led Zeppelin,” I replied. “Who?” he said. “Yeah, I liked them too.”

A police car pulled me over on my way home from the pub last night. The policeman said, “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to blow into this bag.” “Ah, come on mate, she’s not that bad,” I said, nodding to the WPC who was with him.

A doctor goes into a restaurant and notices that the waitress keeps scratching her hands. “Do you have eczema?” he asks. “If it’s not on the menu,” says the waitress, “we haven’t got it.”

I told my son it was ok for him to take a transformer to school for show and tell. That was two days ago, and we’re still without electricity.

Bob is rushed to hospital with serious injuries. “Are you married?” asks the doctor. “No,” says Bob, “I got run over by a bus.”

I wore my budgie smugglers on holiday this year. Had a few problems getting through Customs.