Category: misunderstanding

I woke up and felt horrid this morning. My wife hates it when I call her that.

I cooked a lovely lasagne and took it to the bank with me, but they said it was “an unsuitable form of identification.” Strange… it’s my signature dish?!

If rising obesity levels are so bad, can’t they just make the lifts smaller?

I went to the shops to buy some mint chocolates, but I didn’t know what to get. I spoke to the woman on the till. She said: “Do you like hard cores or the softer type?” “Both, but I’m after the mints, love.”

Apparently, plucking hair out of a mole is completely painless. I disagree. The one in my garden starting squealing and ran back to it’s hole.

My dyslexic mate just rang and told me there’s been a death at an Army Warehouse somewhere in London.

I like to tell my mates that I wear the trousers in my relationship. The wife, however, is always quick to point out that while I may wear the trousers, she tells me what pair to put on.

She said “Harder!” I did that. She said “Faster!” I did that. She said “Deeper!” I philosophized.

I saw a fire alarm today with a notice that read: ‘Push if you see fire or smoke’ I pushed it as I like the odd one when I have a drink.

I went to the hairdressers the other day. She asked me how I would like my hair cut and I replied, “In complete silence!”

I’ve just seen hundreds of Chinese people queuing up outside the Red Bull factory. Something about wanting their free jewellery.

Me and my daughter got chucked off a game show today. I completely misunderstood what the host meant when he said “Fastest finger goes first”.

A young woman goes into the butcher’s shop with her baby: “My scales have broken down. Do you think you could weigh my baby for me?” The butcher takes the baby into a side room and returns after a while with a plastic bag: “3545 grams … without bones.”

I saw a black guy running down the road towards me, quickly followed by a group of white men. Thinking fast, I did what any patriotic white man would do and rugby tackled him to the ground. Instead of praising me, the white men were furiously shouting at me .. .. something about “ruining their […]

My Mum found me with dirty mags in my room. “Mum i can explain.” “No be quite, thats disgusting, son.” “But mum there was no toilet paper left i had no choice.”