Category: misunderstanding

Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the guy across from him. “Hey,” says the guy, “why are you staring at me?” “Whether you believe it or not,” says Bob, “you are the spitting image of my wife. Except for the beard.” “I don’t have a beard,” says the guy. “No, but the […]

Every time I meet a new person, and I end up shaking their hand while they say, “It’s truly a pleasure to meet you.” I almost have a panic attack trying to locate their other hand.

A guy goes into a busy butcher’s shop: “Good morning! I’d like 200 grams of bacon from that really fatty one.” “I’m sorry,” says the butcher, “Susie’ll have to get it for you, the really fatty one’s at college today.”

My boss said to me today “You can’t bring your dog in to work” I told him “It’s not actually going to do any work”

Just joined a gym. When asked what my goals were, I told them I wanted to look like Sylvester Stallone back in his prime. I’ve since decided to lodge a complaint though after the instructor just held my face against a radiator for half an hour.

I saw an advert: Dog for sale, eats anything, fond of children. I may sue for false advertising, I bought it a week ago I can’t get it to eat any kids.

After taking my mum’s advice, I’m now subject to several Hollywood restraining orders. I misunderstood “You’ve got to reach for the stars and try to grab them.”

I for one am against plans to ban Muslim women from wearing the Burka in Britain. But then, I am a huge Star Wars fan.

“Darling I’m knackered! If you want, you can have a chinese on me tonight,” said the wife, before falling asleep. I feel a bit bad eating it all now… The doctors reckon the burns from the tinfoil containers will take years to disappear from her stomach.

I was walking down the street when a tramp came up to me and asked if I had 10p for a cup of coffee. I replied “Here’s 20. get me one.”

My mate tragically lost his life the other day, and to make things worse I was there, and seen everything… at the wedding

My mother used to smack me everytime I wet myself as a toddler. She said it will help me control my bladder. But when the reverse happens today I get restrained by the care home workers?

I just text my friend, “You watch the England game?” He replied, “No mate. Score?” I said, “Nah, I wasn’t playing”

“This car stinks of cigarettes”, my wife screamed at me when I picked her up from work yesterday, “You’ve been smoking with our two year old boy sat in the back, haven’t you?” “Don’t be so daft love, I’d never dream of putting his health at risk like that”, I replied, horrified that she would […]

I was washing the car this morning when I pulled out the Rim Cleaner and had to have a laugh at how it said “WARNING: Do not use on Hot Wheels”. I chuckled to myself, “I’m not going to use it on toys, haha” before squeezing the bottle down the back of my pants.