Category: misunderstanding

My wife said she’s leaving me cause I never believe a word she says She’ll never leave me

I called the Drug Advice Bureau and said, “I’ve just taken some cocaine and need some advice. I can’t hardly hear anything now.” “It must be a bad line,” she said “Try again later.”

I overheard a teenager on the bus last night, saying to his friend, “I still can’t believe it, two weeks ago it looked impossible, but against all the odds the Greeks have managed to stay in it.” It’s so nice to hear young people getting enthused by European politics.

I was driving over a bridge the other day when the wife called. I stopped the car and answered the phone. She said.” Hi. Just want make sure you’re dropping the kids off?” I looked at the river below. I said.” Sure?” And that is how the misunderstanding came about.

Me and the lads were on a night out. Steve was dressed as Spiderman, Dave came as Buzz Lightyear, Joe was a Smurf, and I came in a flowing satin and embroidered ball gown. “So, what you come as?” they asked. “I was going to say the same to you. The email clearly stated that […]

I phoned up my physiotherapist earlier to get advice on new exercises. ‘Whats the best way to do chin-ups?’ I asked. ‘Hang on a minute…’ ‘Cheers,’ I said and hung up.

I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently. Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.

After the service on Sunday, the vicar atmy church said, “Please give all you can on your way out, coins are helpful but notes are especially welcome”. I was going to chuck in a couple of quid but I whistled a tune on my way out instead.

My mate Dave just introduced me to his new girlfriend. “Dave you’re punching well above your weight mate.” “You think she’s as beautiful as I do?” “No.” I said, “She’s a fat cow.”

My mate posted a Facebook status saying ‘Pop-up?’ I sent him a link which explained how to get ripped in 3 weeks.

A young father is waiting nervously outside the maternity ward. At last a nurse appears, carrying triplets. “That’s a great service,” says the young father, “I think I’ll take the middle one.”

BBC NEWS: A child is molested every 20 seconds. He must be knackered.

It seems Chlamydia, V.D and Thrush are no longer a taboo… but you try asking a bird if she has MSN.

My wife keeps telling me that i’m too organised, Well shes not my wife yet but she will be in two years.

Just had a text of my mate, “Watching a load of posh blokes having a row.” I replied, “LOL.. What are they arguing about?” “No-ones arguing,” he sent back, “It’s the Cambridge boat race team training.”