Category: misunderstanding

My new girlfriend told me that during the first time we make love, I should take her breath away. So just as she climaxed, I suffocated her with a pillow.

I was on the bus the other day, when a guy came up to me; “How long’s the Bournemouth bus gonna be mate? I got a connection to make.” Apparently “About the same length of this one” wasn’t the response he was looking for.

My girlfriend told me to turn on the TV last night… I took off my shirt and started rubbing my nipples.

I was delighted to hear on this site that curry’s cure cancer, so, as a sufferer myself, rushed out to be cured. I’m not sure if the cancer has gone yet. It cost me 1,200 and i walked out with a lovely 52″ Sony High Def.

I sent my new girlfriend a handmade card through the post and she called the police… On reflection, using letters cut from a newspaper probably gave her the wrong impression.

After reading the headlines youngsters killed in smash! I`ve decided that my kids will only be having chips or boiled potatoes from now on.

My new girlfriend just found out that I’m 42. She said, “You told me that you were 28 and a half!” I said, “I am if you think about it.”

My wife said, “Do you fancy a three-some?” With a smile on my face I said, “Yeah.” “Good,” she said. “Because my mother’s moving in.”

My remote died, so ordered some AA battery’s on this German website. Last time I order something online, turns out Flak wasn’t the brand’s name.

It’s my grandparents’ diamond anniversary this week, and I suggested to my wife that we buy them some flowers. “I wouldn’t bother,” she said, “They’ll only die in a few days time.” “Fair enough,” I said, “I’ll start planning their funeral instead.”

My wife suggested today that we get our daughter Christened and I couldn’t be more pleased. I’m not religious at all, I just remember what happened when she suggested we Christen the new settee.

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her ‘What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of “pensi”?’ It was as she pulled my trousers down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was […]

Mrs. O’Reilly is in the big city for the first time and checks into a hotel. After only a few minutes, she gets very angry: “Just because I’m from out in the country doesn’t mean you can put me in this tiny room with no windows!” “This is the lift,” says the bellboy.

”I got fired from my job as a vet this morning for a spoonerism.” I said to my mate. “What’s a spoonerism?” He asked. “It’s when you mix the first letters of two words up.” “How could you possibly get fired for that?” “Long story short, some woman brought in a litter of pups, concerned […]

My wife told me our child needs constant supervision. So I’ve gone and strapped a pair of night-vision binoculars to his face.