Category: misunderstanding

I got an irate call from my telephone company today. “Sir, the bill was 98.11 and you’ve only paid 11 pounds 89!” “Yeah, your Manager told me that would be ok,” I replied. “Well, I have no record of that, Sir.” “Really?” I asked. “He told me if I can’t afford to pay for the […]

My friend & i were walking back from the pub last night, when we saw a fire in Miss Jones kitchen. “What shall we do?” i panicked “I’ll call the fire brigade, you knock her up!” he replied. Looking back, it probably wasn’t the ideal time to get someone pregnant.

The wife just text me, “Why don’t you book next week off work and have a holiday” “Are you sure? ,What about the kids?” I texted back. “It’s ok, you need a break, my mums having them” she replied. “Brilliant, I’ll see if the lads are up for golf somewere sunny. Enjoy whatever you get […]

Stealing male sheep wasn`t what i had in mind when my mate asked me to go on a ram raid with him.

My seven year old son came down the stairs wearing a rucksack this morning. “What are you doing?” I asked. He said, “Running away.” “Running away, hey?” I laughed, “And where are you running to?” “Errrrrrr…..Spain” he replied. “Very nice” I said, “It’s lovely there. Where in Spain are you going?” He said, “I don’t […]

I went to my local race night last night. Apparently this doesn’t mean shouting at black people all evening.

On a train. “Are you travelling to Manchester?” “Yes.” “And what are you planning to do there?” “Get off the train.”

A girl came up to me in a club and said, “I’ve just bought a new king-size bed and I need someone to help me test-drive it” Imagine my disappointment when I got back to hers and it wasn’t one of those race-car beds.

A workmate of mine recently got divorced and I’ve noticed he gets upset every time he sees the family picture I’ve got on my desk. I think he misses them.

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans his palm against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, “You want to see where my husband put his hand last night?” He sighs and says, “Look, lady, I got a tough day’s work […]

I just got fired from the marketing department. Apparently, pictures of missing black child on marmalade jars wasn’t good for the company image.

Just bought my third replica shirt from my beloved football club in kent after the first two got destroyed. Finally learned my lesson though, never go home to my wife holding a bag with the initials KFC across it and not have any chicken.

Moving house is always difficult. My wife said to me, “Eeeeh John I don’t know where to start!” “I’d imagine we should start with the roof tiles,” I said.

At 79, I’m still making rampant love. I just hope the neighbours at 77 aren’t too disturbed.

Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he’d like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee. “Excellent coffee, to be sure,” says Paddy. “Thank you,” says the woman. “My husband brought it back from Brazil.” “That’s great,” says […]