Category: misunderstanding

My new girl was cooking dinner for me after I finished work so I asked, “Do you mind if I get a quick bath?” “Yeah go ahead, there should be enough water in the tank” 30 minutes later I walked into the kitchen and she asked, “Was the water warm enough then?” “Not really, the […]

thought they had already began filming for another Planet of the Apes movie in Glasgow then I realised it was an Orange March.

BBC News: ‘Brazilian gang-fighting judge shot dead’. Should’ve chosen a less dangerous pastime.

There was a knocking noise on my car so I took it to the garage and the mechanic said, “Your bearings have gone.” I replied, “Oh sorry, I thought this was the garage.”

On holiday in France, I ran out of batteries for my mp3 player, and so I went to buy some. After trying 6 different shops with no luck,, I eventually arrived at a bar and thought i’d see if they had any. I walked up to the bloke at the bar and said, “Hi, i’m […]

I was on Countdown and the letters round had finished. I was then asked to submit my answer. “I’ve got nine” “Really? Go on then…” “Nine. N,I,N,E”

A girl on my Facebook friends list updated her status earlier: “SELLING MY BABY! 🙁 – Inbox me for details” How disappointed was I to find out it was her Mini Cooper?!

I was on the motorway when I saw a sign that said, “Don’t drink and drive!” So, I pulled over on the hard shoulder and died from dehydration.

A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin. “What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door […]

I phoned up my brother to tell him that our parents had decided to move back to Ireland. “Armagh?”, he asked. “Yes.. And our dad too.”

As a child, my parents always used to tell me never to answer back. It certainly made school hard.

I said to my mate, “Bet you can’t guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?” He chuckled, “Go on then, put me out of my misery.” So I shot his wife.

I was in a pub with my mate. I turned to him and said, “I woke up this morning with a raging headache. Have you got any good remedies?” “For my headaches, my wife is my remedy.” he began. “She rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my body, kisses my stomach, and… well, you can […]

I got stopped by a lady doing a public survey. She asked me, “How do you think we treat OAP’s in this country?” “Well, if my old mum is anything to go by, a pub lunch every few weeks usually does the trick.”

BIG BROTHER: Davina: “Ok, we’re just heading back to the house for our last ever instalment of celebrity big brother, so have your tissues at the ready.” Imagine my disapointment when it didn’t cut to Stephanie Beacham getting spit-roasted by Vinnie and Dane. That’s the last time I listen to Davina.