Category: misunderstanding

My girlfriend told me I could ‘smash her back door in’ yesterday. Apparently I misunderstood.. and now her parents are charging me for criminal damage

“Mrs. Brown,” says the doctor, “what your husband needs for a full recovery is absolute peace and quiet.” “See?” says Mrs. Brown. “That’s exactly what I tell him a thousand times a day.”

The other day, I was walking down the road when I realised somebody was following me. Being scared, I started to run and so did he. He shouted “stop, Police!” What an Idiot! My name’s Paul.

I am very happy today. I have just overheard my parents saying they think I have special knees.

my girlfriend just sent me a text saying “I < 3 U". If i can remember my inequalities correctly,i believe it means "One is less than 3" so i sent a reply saying "I agree"

My mate said to me, “I was playing with your mum’s flaps last night! Haha!” I said, “Why is that funny, and what on earth were you doing underneath her car?”

I went to the Doctor because I was having trouble sleeping. “Hmm..,” he said, “It sounds like insomnia.” “Aww.. C’mon Doc…. I’m too tired for guessing games… Can’t you just tell what it is?”

I Was walking through the London underground and saw a man holding a cup, looking rather glum. So, being the kind person, I am; I chucked some of my change in his cup. As a splash of his hot coffee hit me in the face, I instantly realised he wasn’t actually homeless.

I saw a sign in the hospital that read ‘Burn Victims’ I was gutted that I’d left my petrol can at home.

I asked my wife what she’d like for her birthday. “Ooh, I don’t know,” she giggled, “Surprise me!” So I’ve got her an inflatable crocodile. She’ll never be expecting that.

I went for an interview this afternoon. I was asked “What experience do you have with the subject matter for this role?” I replied “I have a great experience with them and use them on a regular basis for work and pleasure”. I never did hear back from the Child Protection Agency. Or the RSPCA. […]

Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it’s her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I’m pleased to say I’ve already bought her her present. She’s going to love these flowers.

I had a meeting with my job advisor today. “Where have you applied for jobs?” He asked “I tried the local bookies,” I said. “Any luck?” “Yeah, I won a tenner on the 3:15 at York,” I replied.

A google search led me to the “Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network website” – RAINN.org. I have to admit I was disappointed by their “get involved” section.

I took my boots to the cobbler, I said “I want these soled”. I went back the next day he gave me 10. He said “i’ve sold them”