Category: misunderstanding

Sunday Times: Recent developments have shown that the Dursleys have found a figure of 161 million in their bank.

My mate phoned me up the other day, and said “have you been watching the ladies Ryder cup, its brilliant?” I was disappointed when I found out it was Golf.

I saw an old friend today and he told me his first baby was due on the 13th “That’s unlucky you know” “What?” He replied “Having to look after a kid”

Waiting to board a ferry, a woman collapses and cracks her head on a mooring bollard. As a crowd gathers, her husband stands up and scans the queue. “Help!” he shouts. “Anyone! Is there a doctor here?!” A bloke fights his way forward, “Make way, stand back please. Thankyou” “Thank God!” says her husband. The […]

My wife wants a period drama boxset for Christmas. Pack of 24 Tampax should do nicely.

After I boarded the plane, I sat down in my seat next to this old lady. I grasped the arm rest, being a little anxious. “Nervous?” asked the old lady. I replied, “Just a little.” “First time?” she asked. I replied, “No, I’ve been nervous numerous times.”

“It doesn’t mean anything, honey! ‘Oh God’ is something all women shout in bed!” Joseph was not convinced.

I sent a text to my wife by mistake, luckily it also contained a typo: “I’m on my way to puck up my daughter at the park” I received a text back saying “Okay, but I think you meant *pick…” That was lucky.

I was in the pub yesterday when I shouted out, “I’ve got a really funny Irish joke” However a big Irishman stopped me and said, “Be careful, I’m Irish” So I replied, “Don’t worry, I will tell it slowly”

My house was raided last night by immigration officials. They told me my tenants were illegal immigrants and that I must have noticed something by the fact that they didn’t speak a word of English. I told them I didn’t know what they were talking about.

The other day my car kept stalling whenever I went to take off. So I phoned my dad and he asked me what gear I was in. I replied “Just my jeans and t-shirt”

I’ve just been to see a fortune teller and she told me that this month I’m going to win a fortune on the lottery. She then looked at her Crystal ball and said, “And in December……….. well that’s amazing…… and they say lightning never strikes twice.” I said, “What, I’m going to win the lottery […]

As I was laying my jacket across a puddle to allow my blind wife to cross the road I thought to myself, ‘chivalry certainly isn’t dead.’ But she is after I failed to notice the number 6 bus.

Just signed up for that “Fantasy Football League” with Sky, where they give you a 75 Million budget. Still trying to find out how to withdraw it to my bank account…

After being late for three days in a row my boss went,”Three days now,don’t you have a watch?” I went,”No but I do have a broken stopwatch.” He went,” That doesn’t count.” I went,”I know but it used to.”