Category: misunderstanding

I’ve just had a text from my girlfriend saying she’s woken up to a good eight inches this morning. Funny old weather, I only live two roads down and it’s hardly even snowing here.

I went to visit my Scottish cousin in the summer holidays. I asked, “What shall we do tomorrow?” He replied, “Do you fancy going to shoot some hoops?” I thought, that’s a great idea. I turned up in my Michael Jordan top with my basketball. He turned up in his Rangers top with a gun.

I think my girlfriend’s a bit of a science geek. She stopped at her mate’s yesterday and has just texted me to say that they’d ‘spent the night experimenting’.

“You have a very sick mind.” “Yeah,” I grinned, “A few people have told me that.” “No. I mean you have an inoperable brain tumour,” said the neurosurgeon.

A guy had broken down outside my house and knocked on my door. He said, “Excuse me, sorry to bother you but I don’t suppose you’ve got anything I can jump my car with?” I said, “Sure.” And went inside. He had a bemused look on his face when I came back, I don’t think […]

I was building a Sleigh in Lap Land last night, when a Chinese woman approached me and said, “Excuse me, are you Finnish?” I said, “No, I’ve only just started!”

This shady looking fellow stopped me on a side street today and told me he could get me Speed for 20. Now I love Sandra Bullock as much as the next man, but 20 for a 15 year old movie is not my idea of a good deal.

What’s the difference between sikh and muslim? My kid’s don’t play hide and muslim.

My daughter’s physio has just been for her weekly visit. She said she had brought a special book with all kinds of new positions I could try out with my daughter. After a slight misunderstanding, I am now looking for a new physio.

Radio Voice: and the two men come together and shake hands ……. now that’s what you call a sticky situation

My daughter has told me her upcoming wedding is going to cost me 10,000. I said, “How can it be costing me anything? I thought I was giving you away?”

Customers at my barber shop think I got my nickname Van Gogh because I’m an artist with a pair of scissors. It’s actually because I once cut someones ear off.

I met this hot babe in a club. She was really up for it. We left the club and went down the nearest alley. “Get yer wedding tackle out!” she cried. Grey top hat, pinstripe trousers and a dried up carnation, apparently not what she had in mind.

My girlfriend said that I have an obsession with Jonathon ross I simply told her she was “wong”

Me and my girlfriend were talking earlier and she said “I’ve been looking at some figures and have decided I’m going to start tightening my belt!” “I wouldn’t!” I said “You already try squeezing into clothes that clearly don’t fit you!”