Category: misunderstanding

My wife expects far too much from me.This morning she shouted, before she left for work, “Remember to get cat’s litter.” Now I have to follow some fat tart around Albert Square hoping she drops some empty crisp packets.

I was in a packed club last night, when this girl came over and said: “Fancy a kiss round the back?” “Brilliant” I said, while dropping my trousers and bending over.

Headline: ‘Friendly fire’ killed Brit soldier. Which to me doesn’t sound too friendly.

Quasimodo comes home from work and see’s Esmeralda has got the wok out. So he says “Oh, are we having chinese tonight?” To which she replies “No, I’ve just been ironing your shirts”

Just sold my flat the other day for a really good price and it couldn’t have happened at a better time! Because my landlord is now taking me to court.

I did a one-man show last week and it was a huge success. One man showed up.

My wife accused me of not fully understanding the English language. In hindsight, I’m going to prove her wrong.

After seeing those cute puppies on the andrex advert, I decided to get the kids one for Christmas. I can’t wait to see their excited little faces when they open up their extra-soft toilet roll.

I was in a real panic earlier today in the shopping mall , when I couldn’t find my son. But luckily a policeman was nearby , and he kindly took me back to the nursing-home

I saw an advert today outside a beauticians that offered a “Fish Pedicure”. Since when do fish have nails?

My boss came up to me at work earlier, and said, “I’ve got some bad news for you I’m afraid. At the end of this week, you’ll be recieving your P45.” “That’s strange,” I thought as I walked away, “I always thought my skin was lovely and smooth.”

My boss rang me this morning. “You’ve got a meeting in five minutes,” he said. “We need you to make this. Where are you?” I said, “On the way to my car as we speak.” “Right,” he said. “Do you think you’ll make it?” I said, “Probably, it’s only a few feet away.”

My mate asked me if I ever gambled. I replied “Yes, every time I get a pie from the chippy”

I said to my Mrs what would you like for your birthday?’ A surprise she said so I burnt her mum’s house down.

I couldn’t find the milk this morning, so I glued a picture of it to a child.