Category: misunderstanding

There’s a new movie coming out about the Rapture today. Apocalypse Not Now.

I was standing in the bathroom today, and god was it difficult. I tried thinking of burst pipes, that were spurting water at a hundred miles an hour. I tried thinking of a waterfall, from which crystal-clear water was cascading down and engulfing the earth. I even tried thinking of a broken sink, in which […]

A friend of mine recently told me that he was “in the closet” until the was 23. That must have been the longest game of hide and seek in history.

The doctor just told me I have HIV. Didn’t realise I was allowed to drive long distance lorries.

My wife woke up this morning, and I heard the screams from the bedroom as she was shredded and bitten to within an inch of her life. I was only trying to be a good husband, by stealing them from the zoo. But apparently I got mixed up when she said that she wanted a […]

My wife is always complaining that I never treat her proper. Can’t wait to see her face when I give her these bone shaped biscuits.

My wife was looking through the H.Samuel brochure, pointed at it and said, “Wow, I’d really love this for my birthday.” She’s going to be so made up. I went one step better and got her the hard back catalogue.

A mate of mine is a part-time DJ. I got a text from him today that said, ‘Had a gig last nite, DJ’ing nxt 2 deadmau5!’ They really should hire a cleaner at that club.

My wife was looking in the mirror and said to me she has awful roots. I said “granted you’re pikey and common but I love you anyway!”

I spent yesterday sitting by a giant hole in the ground watching people fall in. It was strange because by the time they dragged themself out, dazed and confused the only thing they all wanted to know was why I had chalk in my hand.

I went out on a date last night, The girl i took out didn’t seem very interested at first, then she said “What do you do for a living?” I said, “I’ve got my own business, Sell fridges” She was all over me after that, Women and domestic appliances.

I decided to have a gin and tonic earlier. “Gordon’s?” asked the barman. “I’d prefer to have my own,” I said.

My wife said, “Do you think this red blouse would make me look fat?” “It depends how much of it you eat, I suppose.”

Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan has denied any wrongdoing in the Fort Hood shooting: “All I said was, Who wants my Loaded magazine? 13 people put their hands up, so I let them have it.”

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”