Category: misunderstanding

I was really happy after a meeting at work today when I was elected chairman. Then I realised everyone had voted for me to put all the chairs away.

My wife was looking glum so I asked what was wrong. “I just want to hear you say you love me” she sighed. So I said, “You love me”

When my wife came home I spoke to her about our son. “His heads all messed up,” I said. “He’s a teenager… They’re all a bit like that.” She replied. “No. The police just called.. He’s shot himself in school.”

“Darling, promise you’d never cheat with me with another woman?” said the wife. “Oh course not dear, I’m 100% sure of that!” I replied. “You’re such a sweetie!” she cooed. “How are you so certain?” “Cos if I was with another woman, I’d never cheat on her with such an ugly fat cow like you.”

Why are people so obssessed about the issue of child labour? Surely it would make more sense to tackle the problem of kids getting pregnant in the first place.

I arrived late at the opera and as I was trying to find my seat some bloke goes, “Shhh!” “Oh, sorry,” I said. “Wouldn’t want to wake anyone up, eh?”

I saw my ex pushing a baby down the street today. We stopped, she nodded at the pushchair and said, “It’s yours.” I said, “Oh my God… really?” She said, “Yeah, really.” So I picked up the baby, threw it on the floor and walked away with my new set of wheels.

After taking 3 hits of meth, I ran around in circles for 10 minutes before finally throwing up on girl #3 who then burst into tears. I’m pretty sure I’m done with speed dating.

My mum lost her battle with Cancer yesterday. She was spitting some sick rhymes though.

A guy walks up to a hotel reception. The receptionship asks, “Do you have a reservation?” “Yes I do actually,” he replies looking around, “It doesn’t look nearly as nice as it did on the website.”

The Murphys are giving their first dinner party in their posh new house. Once most of the guests have left, Mrs. Murphy asks her neighbour if she did everything correctly. “It was perfect,” says the neighbour, “well almost: there were no sugar tongs.” “Sugar tongs?” “Well,” says the neighbour, “when the men go to the […]

I took my girlfriend into a florist’s, picked up a bunch of flowers and said, “I’m sorry I cheated on you.” She managed to break out into a little smile. I then put them down, grabbed her hand and walked out again. She said, “Erm.. Aren’t you going to buy me a bunch then?” “No. […]

My wife came in from work and asked me to crack her back for her as she was aching all over. The paramedics said it was a really stupid idea to use a piece of scaffold.

I’ve just invented a fat jolly old man with a beard who loves children. I’m not sure what to call him, although I might call him a paedophile.

My mates little sister was telling me what she wanted for christmas, she stated that she wanted a facial at a spa. I told her i would take her now, she was absoulted delighted. Then she asked ‘what we doing at the spar shop?’ I said, ‘come with me you’ll see.’