Category: joke

An old couple were in a restaurant and the old man placed order for one hamburger, chips and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the chips, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one […]

My son brought home his school report. It said, “It is unfortunate that Daniel sets himself such low standards. It is even more unfortunate that he consistently fails to achieve them.”

“I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ‘Aaaaaaa Ohhhhhhhh!’” “That’s brilliant David, now take your Ritilin and get back to bed.”

So it’s perfectly acceptable for me to come home to find my wife wandering around the house in a pair of my shorts and a t-shirt, but as soon as it’s the other way round, suddenly ”We need to talk”.

Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Little John to bring him his bow. He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into […]

I told my son to stand up to bullies. They still beat him up though, his jokes were terrible.

I don’t claim to be a big deal…. but let’s just say I am what Willis was talking about.

Pretend that you’ve got a toothbrush and in your hand, and then brush your tongue.

I was in the pub last night. An arms dealer I know was sat at the bar, when, in walked a thalidomide. I thought, “Can’t wait for these two to get into a conversation.”

SickiLeaks – people copying our jokes and putting them as their Facebook status and playing along as if they made them up since 2006

I’m fluent in three languages. English, sarcasm and profanity.

“Sale – All Stock Must Go!” Well done, you are a shop – that is what you’re meant to do.

Top tip: A ladder, turned upside-down, can be used for climbing down off things.

Getting the female contortionist’s from the circus to come back to my flat was definitely a result, but challenging them to a game of strip Twister was not the smartest way of trying to get their kit off.

What did the talking hat say to the scarf? “You can hang around. I’ll just go on ahead.”