Category: joke

My Internet connection and my wife’s trousers have a lot in common. They both have a really high band width.

I hear Germany is busy invading a deserted Poland as we speak. Carlsberg don’t do Oppurtunities

I fell down a small man-made waterfall recently and felt weir’d for days.

My wife moaned at me to day complaining that i never open the car door for her. so as i was driving down the M66 i wait until i hit 80mph then opened the car door bet she wish she keep her mouth shut now.

My lawyer was supposed to give his closing statement when suddenly I heard him snoring next to me. I woke him up and went,”Mate,what do you think you’re doing?” He went,”The defence rests.”

I just started ‘following’ justin bieber….with a knife in my hand

Three reasons to stand up: 1) To get the remote. 2) To go to the bathroom. 3) Because you’re the real Slim Shady.

Ever been searching for something but you just can’t remember where you left it if your life depended on it? I really need to find that inhaler.

An attractive girl in work asked me if I would mind having a look at her flaps. I wish I was a gynaecologist rather than an aeroplane designer.

I’m often accused of eavesdropping. I just wish they’d have the guts to say it to my face.

Success is now measured the instant you die by how many jokes circulate “too soon.”

The other day when I was out riding my dragon, I realised how much I hate people who lie!

I got kicked out of my own wifes funeral yesterday. Apparently dressing myself and the kids up as Kool and the Gang and singing “Celebrate good times” is cruel and unacceptable.

If there’s something strange in your neighborhood. Who ya gonna call? The Police.

A man walks into a library and asks if a book on virgins has arrived. Librarian: no we havent had any yet. Man: yeah that’s the one