Category: joke

“Your best mate’s mum who lives across the street has lost a lot of weight” I said to my daughter.. She said “You’ve got your binoculars the wrong way round dad.”

I phoned Emergency Services as soon as the accident happened. Although they were a bit shirty about it, they did manage to talk me through the nappy change.

I read a good original joke this morning. It wasn’t on here…. It will be later though!

Well it looks like if we want a new server we’re going to have to buy our own jokes back in book and t-shirt form.

What’s red and smells like peaches? Bob Geldof’s fingers

I love treating myself after doing something good. Having a burger after going for a run, going for a pint after staying in all week… Pushing my elderly mother down the stairs after a day out helping the disabled.

I was telling my daughter the story of the Three Little Pigs. She said, “Dad.., why did they ever get rid of the minimum height requirements for joining the police?”

Corny jokes on Sickipedia- Outnumbered, but never outpunned.

My wife can only plan 7 days ahead. She’s week minded.

A boy was constantly wandering in and out of the house, leaving the front or back door wide open. “Once and for all, will you please close that?”, an exasperated mother pleaded one day. “Were you born in a barn?” “No, I was born in a hospital, ” he replied, smirking. “With automatic doors.”

I stayed in an hotel recently and I went down for breakfast when the waitress said, “Good morning sir, would you like the full English?” “No thank you,” I replied, “I’ll have the vegetarian option please.” She said, “Would that be Sugar Puffs or Cornflakes sir?”

I can’t write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said “Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren’t expecting.” So here goes: Walk forwards. Turn left. Pasteurisation.

My wife said the only vegetable that could make her cry was an onion. But you should have seen her after I hit her Mum with my car.

Walking my dog this morning. My mate comes running over to me from the other side of the field. “My dogs run away! I’ve lost him” “Have you tried calling him?” *checks pocket* “Na, I’ve got no signal”

How many warranty forms does it take to change a lightbulb?