Category: joke

My granddad broke his leg from standing on a door matt. I probably should have explained to him the concept of a helter-skelter.

Just saw a chicken cross the road. Couldn’t help but think, why?

Bras are like coffee; three cups is too many.

First Oslo and now Amy Winehouse. This shows that shooting up will get you in the news.

I’ve just been sacked for reading out Sickipedia jokes at work. My boss should lighten up a bit, I mean the kids didn’t mind.

The convenient store is closed. How convenient

As the plane lurched violently, I screamed out, “Oh my God! We’re all going to die!” The guy next to me said, “Pull yourself together man.. That’s no way to act.” “You’re right,” I apologised, before switching on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain speaking…. We’re all going to die!”

My friend: ‘If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m gonna leave my job’. Me: ‘Why, what did he say?’ My friend: ‘You’re fired’.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot? Stu.

My gran is donating her body to medical science…. She’s hoping it will help provide a breakthrough in nanatechnology.

What goes: Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, White? Kermit the Frog Masturbating.

Where do rudeboys keep their money? Safe, innit

My brother asked me if I could dress up as a calculator for his fancy dress party, as his best mate cancelled. I told him he could count on me.

The whole of the Middle East don’t understand basic British joke structure. When a British person says, “There’s an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman,” to us it’s a joke but to them it’s a hostage situation.

Do they have a census for animals? If they do I don’t think they would include sheep, imagine how hard it would be trying to stay awake