Category: joke

He who hesitates is always walking right in front of me.

My mate dug up what he thought were onions from his allotment yesterday. He cooked them in with his dinner. Turns out they were daffodil bulbs, and made him so ill it hospitalised him. He’s ok though, he’s due out in spring.

I was in a comedy club and a female comedian approached me and said, “Will you compare?” I said, “Of course…………… you’re like a male comedian, but less funny.”

I was talking to this girl the other day and asked what her name was. She said, “It’s Lynna”. I said, “That’s an unusual name – you don’t hear that every day.” To which she replied, “Actually, I do.”

Look! A stealth bomber! Where!?

Just rubbed one out watching Emma Watson in the Harry Potter film. I’ve not been to the cinema, the first one is on tv.

I’m really good at rope tying……KNOT!

A lot of posters here see their jokes as being their children. I see them that way too: they’re stupid, they’re ugly and I wish they’d go away.

When my wife said my life was a joke I couldn’t stand to be anywhere near her. So I picked up my chicken and crossed the road.

TOP TIP To get sincere personal advice and the correct time, try calling a random telephone number in the early hours of the morning.

LIDL. Consider giving away a free nail brush with your cheapest one-ply toilet roll

Seeing as it’s valentines day, I’m going to take my baby somewhere expensive, then we will get hot and steamy later! That’s right I’m off to the petrol station then the car wash!

You know, I’ve been on hard times lately and there’s always been a group of people there for me no matter what. Through the credit crunch, Jade’s cancer, through Michael Jackson dying, through Obama becoming president and now the anniversary of 9/11. Though these group of people are always there for me, they get enough […]

I was feeling really depressed the other day so i popped over to see my mate who’s a dwarf, he gave me a big hug and told me everything would work out and he said he would be here for me anytime…. Sometimes you just need a little pick me up !

If it is tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?