Category: holidays

Right. Time to turn the festive energy saving lights on. They’ll be ready by Christmas.

I couldn’t book my holiday because the sign on the window at the travel agent said: GO AWAY!

I can’t wait to take the kids trick-or-treating for the first time today! I just hope we don’t knock on their parents house by mistake.

I went to the travel agent today and the agent said, “Did you know, two out of three people take an holiday in England.” I replied, “Great, I’d like to book a caravan in Cornwall for the wife and her mother, and I’ll have the all inclusive to Barbados please.”

How to spice up a beach holiday -Put a fin on your back and pretend to be a shark. -Get out of the water and act mentally handicapped. -Repeat until no one reacts to the sight of a fin. -Unleash a Great White shark into the water. -Sit back and watch the drama unfold.

For my Wifes Xmas I booked us a weeks holiday in Sharm el Sheikh. As a wee extra I’ve just signed her up for a 1 week intensive Scuba Diving course.

I stayed in a really posh hotel. On the back of the door the sign read “In case of fire Gentlemen are required to wear smoking jackets.”

I look forward to Christmas time every year. It’s a perfect opportunity to get kids on my lap with no questions asked.

Mark Hughes swaps cottage for villa Can’t blame him really it is half term

My wife and I are going on a Mediterranean cruise this summer. We’re looking forward to seeing all the famous landmarks, including a new one on this year’s itinerary, the Costa Concordia.

My girlfriend is all excited after I promised to take her to a little place just north of Paris for Christmas. I can’t wait to see her face when we arrive in Torquay.

I propose amending the saying The rain, In Spain. Falls mainly, On the plane. to In Brazil, The thunder. Blows planes, Into asunder.

My boss just told me that because of my performance this year I’m getting a 10 digit bonus. My own work mobile number.

I just went on a so called ‘Once in a lifetime holiday’ I’m never going to do that again.

After he failed to pay for my honeymoon to New York, I have fallen out with my father, But when I was out there I decided to be the bigger man, so I sent him a postcard, Of the World Trade Center, Saying ‘wish you were there…’