Category: gardening

The drought prevention wardens said they’d had an anonymous tip-off that I’d got a sprinkler. I said yes, you would too if you had prostate cancer.

I went to a ‘bush n garden’ convention the other day , it was ridiculous I couldn’t get a word in hedgeways .

I used to be a gardener. But I lost the plot.

Whenever I need help with my gardening, I just go out in my short skirt, bend over to pick some weeds and soon enough I’ve loads of helpers.

I was gardening when I saw I had left an empty patch. So i put a rose bush there thinking ‘Thistle do’

What has my daughter got in common with my garden? The family dog is happy to bury his bone in either.

What have Gardening tools and People got in common? The Hoes are always with the Spades.

‘im suffering a mole problem, he gives out confidential information to other gardeners’

Save a tree… …Kill a vegetarian

I hate my part time job as a leaf blower, the pay is terrible. But if I was a gardener, I would be raking it in.

I have planted a Bay tree in my back garden. I can’t wait till it grows it’s first window.

I bought some seeds at the garden centre earlier today, and rushed back to plant them. The next morning, I found several Israeli children running around my yard. It was to be expected, I suppose. The seeds I bought were Jew-nippers.

I screwed up my nicotine patch today. Added too much water to the soil.

We were going to slab out the back, but the wife said sod it.

I’m certain more of my house plants would survive if they had the ability to beg for water and food like my kids do.