Category: food and drink

I found an everlasting lemon. I now have a zest for life.

“What’s got you all hot and bothered?” my wife purred as I burst into the bedroom sweating and panting. “You’ve burnt dinner again and the kitchen’s on fire!” I replied.

I was going to post a joke about cheddar and edam… …but it was two cheesy.

Whats Tarte Au Citron? Its A Bit Like A Slag In A Renault

I just smacked some jew around the head with a ball of deep fried chickpeas. The fella fell….

Since the Wife left with the kids I feel as lonely as a Walkers crisp.

I’ve just been round to Delia Smith’s house for dinner. After a cracking meal she brought out her famous “Menopause sponge cake” I was disappointed though as it was extremely dry… I dunno, maybe she’d ran out of eggs.

All those phone calls from inside the towers that day and none of them being to 911 – that I can actually believe, despite the obvious connection between the date and the phone number. What I can’t credit, however, is the notion that none of them were ordering pizza.

Dinner at my mate’s house was ruined by the amount of dandruff falling from his head. There was also far too much Parmesan on my spaghetti.

My girlfriend put her hair in a bun this morning. She’s got some weird eating habits.

The wife woke me up earlier, she said “Get up love, I’ve brought you a McDonald’s home!” “Is it warm?” I asked. “I am not eating a cold McDonald’s.” “No love, you want me to stick it in the microwave for you?” They just don’t taste the same heated up later on. Probably the worst […]

I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ”I love you.” She said, ”Is that you or the beer talking?” I replied, ”It’s me… talking to the beer!”

If duty-free Toblerones get any bigger, they’ll have to enclose discount vouchers for insulin.

As a black law graduate I now have to attend 12 formal dinners in order to progress to the next stage of my career. And once I?ve done these McDonald’s have promised to put me in charge of fries.

I said to one of my dinner guests, “What do you think to the horseradish sauce?” He said, “It certainly tastes unique. Did you make it yourself?” I said, “I did… I got the radishes from Asda. The horse proved to be a bit more tricky though.”